FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
