There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
