Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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