It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
We need to feng shui this bitch.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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