okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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