I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
