I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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