I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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