why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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