i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
