god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
