I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
