I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
