Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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