Your face is a jimmy john
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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