I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Randomize
