just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
