What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
