its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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