my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
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