My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
