It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
