Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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