My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
