So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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