im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
