We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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