I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
