Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
