Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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