I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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