dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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