I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
