There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
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