im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
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