Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
