Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
