UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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