the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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