im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
