I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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