I wish they made helmets for livers.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
