I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
