I cockslap morals
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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