I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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