KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
