If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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