Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
