she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
