life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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